Unless you’re one of the lucky elite whose children started sleeping for twelve uninterrupted hours practically at birth, you have probably felt the maniacal desperation of wanting your kids to please. just. sleep. (If you are one of those lucky elite, you should probably maintain your distance from me, for your own safety.)
In the confused early moments of the morning, I find myself trying to assign logical reasons for why the baby didn’t sleep well that night. When I put my theories down on paper (computer screen?) ,I see that they sound like the musings of a lunatic, but that aptly describes most parents of young children; therefore, I present, Reasons My Kid Didn’t Sleep:
- The room was warm.
- The room was cold.
- He had socks on.
- He had no socks on.
- He had one sock on.
- I fed him a big dinner.
- He barely ate dinner.
- The white noise machine was a little loud.
- The white noise machine was too quiet.
- The nightlight was too bright.
- The room was too dark.
- He had only one pacifier in the crib.
- He had half a dozen pacifiers in the crib.
- He had a blanket on.
- He didn’t have a blanket on.
- I put him to bed.
- My husband put him to bed.
- A grandparent put him to bed.
- A babysitter he has never met put him to bed.
- A hobo off the street put him to bed.
The sad truth is I HAVE HAD ALL THESE THOUGHTS (okay, not #20). On the flip side, after a great night of sleep, I also search for a reason. Now I present, Reasons My Kid Slept Well:
- See above list
Tell me I’m not alone here, and that there are crazy reasons you make up??